i haven't been writing. not good, not good.
things have been going well, though. fabulous thanksgiving... weekends in vienna... the semester is winding down.
i feel like i've gained a whole lot of perspective, and i'm not really sure why, or what it means for me. but it's there and i'm so scared that i'll lose it before it makes a big difference in my life.
there are so many people and things that i can worry about and stress about. but in the long run, how much of it will matter? i want to be happy. i want those who i truly love and who truly love me to be happy. sometimes those things will contradict each other, and i need to realize that I AM MY FIRST PRIORITY. and that's ok. nobody will hate me for that. people can be petty, or upset... but let them. that is their negativity, and it does not need to affect me.
i've also realized... people make love seem so effortless. like if you really love someone, everything will come together and you'll live happily ever after. that's in the movies i've been watching since i was a kid... all those sappy quotes. but if you want to do ANYTHING right, you need to work at it. this, i've known for some time. but how to work at it is another story... i've asked myself so many times "what can i do to make our relationship better?" and it came to me last night. not only do i have to stray from things that will have a negative impact on our relationship, like the obvious cheating, lying, etc... but i need to bring something more. it's that little extra that's going to show him how much i care. not the bare minimum- not cheating. duh. that's just respect. but to show him i love him... that takes compromise, sacrifice... things i'm not very good at. it's hard to give in when i know i don't have to- when i know he'll always love me and be there for me no matter what. but there is ALWAYS room for improvement, and as close to perfect as what we have may be... why not work just a little harder to make it a little better?
i was at a point where i was sitting back because we were just where i thought we should be. everything was perfect. i'd forgotten how much it had taken to make it to that point... and i'd lost sight of the fact that even perfect can get better... and worse. i hope i didn't hurt him or let him down... and i hope i don't get to another point like that, where i feel like i can stop working at our relationship... and i hope he knows how much i love him.
i also hope that i can take that sentiment and put it into other realms of my life.
as if that's not enough... i've been doing even more thinking. about traveling and seeing the world... about what i can be doing to help other people and why i'm not doing it... about school and whether it really means to me what i think it does...
i think that about sums it up for now. i'm going to go get stuff done around the house... i need to be more productive.