..the blog

this is me... dealing with love, school, living at home, trichotillomania... and everything else that comes with being an 18 year old girl. as well as me building on my fiction writing... a secret passion of mine
comments? write me

..the girl

my name is holly; i'm 18 yrs old; i'm madly in love with christopher; i transferred to villa julie college after a year at the college of charleston and am a sophomore studying early childhood education; i work at a preschool and like to complain, but my kids are my life; so is the beach; i love to travel; pink is my favorite color; i have three rats; if you met me you'd never tell i have a whole host of anxiety issues; i love crave country music; i don't consider most of the stuff on the radio "real country"; conway twitty is my favorite; i'm getting very into high heels lately; i've always been into purses

..the links

what is trichotillomania?
villa julie college
jk diet
trellis services

Tuesday, December 06, 2005..4:10 PM

i haven't been writing. not good, not good.

things have been going well, though. fabulous thanksgiving... weekends in vienna... the semester is winding down.
i feel like i've gained a whole lot of perspective, and i'm not really sure why, or what it means for me. but it's there and i'm so scared that i'll lose it before it makes a big difference in my life.

there are so many people and things that i can worry about and stress about. but in the long run, how much of it will matter? i want to be happy. i want those who i truly love and who truly love me to be happy. sometimes those things will contradict each other, and i need to realize that I AM MY FIRST PRIORITY. and that's ok. nobody will hate me for that. people can be petty, or upset... but let them. that is their negativity, and it does not need to affect me.

i've also realized... people make love seem so effortless. like if you really love someone, everything will come together and you'll live happily ever after. that's in the movies i've been watching since i was a kid... all those sappy quotes. but if you want to do ANYTHING right, you need to work at it. this, i've known for some time. but how to work at it is another story... i've asked myself so many times "what can i do to make our relationship better?" and it came to me last night. not only do i have to stray from things that will have a negative impact on our relationship, like the obvious cheating, lying, etc... but i need to bring something more. it's that little extra that's going to show him how much i care. not the bare minimum- not cheating. duh. that's just respect. but to show him i love him... that takes compromise, sacrifice... things i'm not very good at. it's hard to give in when i know i don't have to- when i know he'll always love me and be there for me no matter what. but there is ALWAYS room for improvement, and as close to perfect as what we have may be... why not work just a little harder to make it a little better?
i was at a point where i was sitting back because we were just where i thought we should be. everything was perfect. i'd forgotten how much it had taken to make it to that point... and i'd lost sight of the fact that even perfect can get better... and worse. i hope i didn't hurt him or let him down... and i hope i don't get to another point like that, where i feel like i can stop working at our relationship... and i hope he knows how much i love him.

i also hope that i can take that sentiment and put it into other realms of my life.

as if that's not enough... i've been doing even more thinking. about traveling and seeing the world... about what i can be doing to help other people and why i'm not doing it... about school and whether it really means to me what i think it does...

i think that about sums it up for now. i'm going to go get stuff done around the house... i need to be more productive.

<333 Miss Kolly

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Tuesday, November 29, 2005..1:48 AM

i love my life.

christopher is my life.

a little late... but i am SO THANKFUL for this incredible thing we have.

sometimes i can't believe i'm making him me us wait so long.

<333 Miss Kolly

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Thursday, November 17, 2005..12:12 PM

i haven't written in a while. haven't been around much... a lot going on, neither good nor bad.

except for the fact that i STILL haven't registered for classes. that's bad.

or the fact that i love my in-laws. yeah, that's good.

i want to start writing SO badly. like, short stories again. there's a contest i might enter... we'll see.

OH. and i'm moving out. finally. briana needs a roommate in towson, so i'm it! i'm really excited... not sure yet when exactly i'm moving in... i think baby's gonna paint my room first. hopefully soon, though... i need it. it's gonna be a schlep to get to school, though.

<333 Miss Kolly

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Thursday, November 10, 2005..12:56 AM

i've grown out of this life.

not life, just this one. i feel like frikkin rapunzel or something.

and the worst part is, it's not like i can even blame anyone but me. i'm the only one who can stand up for myself.

<333 Miss Kolly

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Wednesday, November 09, 2005..10:54 PM

i'm famous.

ok, not really. my review's actually been out for a while, but finally got around to putting it in here, to share... keep in mind, it was edited and chopped up...

The Genizah at the House of Shepher

Tamar Yellin was inspired to write this novel after experiencing a situation strikingly similar to that of Shulamit Shepher, the main character. Like "Shula," Ms. Yellin returned in 1987 to the small bungalow in Israel that had been her home for many summers, and her family's for many generations, upon receiving word that the house was to be demolished.

And like Shula, Ms. Yellin was led to the attic by an uncle to find a rich family history full of mystery and controversy. Ms. Yellin has said she wrote the book to "come to terms with my own family narrative and with my place in it."

Throughout the novel, the theme is belongingness, especially within the family. It is both a blessing and a curse for Shula, who is plagued by the indigestion and larger nose passed to her by her ancestors. But she also treasures nostalgic memories and has a sense of familial pride, which is missing from her brother, Reuben.

Tales of Shula's ancestors are interwoven in the book, from her great-grandfather who sought to fight the lost tribes of Israel to her father and the complicted t riangle that involved her parents. Parts of these accounts are anecdotal or humorous, while others are quite serious and tragic. They all mesh together to create an intriguing record of this fictional lineage.

The language Ms. Yellin uses in writing the novel seems to be carefully chosen. While beautiful, the writing seems somewhat forced, and Ms. Yellin seems keen on impressing the reader with figurative language and profound declarations, such as "The line of tension between choice and chance is the thread by which the miracle of existence hangs."

Despite this literary overkill, the novel is enchanting and Ms. Yellin proves to be not only an extremely gifted writer, but a storyteller as well. This novel is the tale of a woman discovering her identity within her faith and within her family.

<333 Miss Kolly

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Monday, November 07, 2005..8:28 PM

thinking about my last post...
the only person in the history of the world who's ever gotten life all figured out...
is mark twain.
that's why he could have such a sense of humor and be so cynical about everything. and you can just TELL he knows something we don't.


i miss my baby boy. it's so sad that just a night apart drives me mad. but it's telling, too, i guess. i was telling him before... when i was little i had little kermie, a little stuffed kermit the frog in pajamas. i couldn't fall asleep at night without him, and i took him to strange places with me so i wouldn't be afraid.
well... now i have big kermie. awwww (and barfffff... hahaha)

i got my schedule for next semester (as long as classes don't fill up before my pre-reg time tomorrow!)... looks like friday's my day off, even though i decided i'll offer to work friday mornings. i'm taking 6 classes- 18 credits- that's a lot, but i'll handle it. i have an interview, too, with trellis services... they'll train me in this kind of therapy to work with children with autism. and pay me more than the preschool does... not that i want to leave there, but if i have to choose between the two... yeah.

i've had all day to get work done, and i STILL don't feel like it. BAHHH.

<333 Miss Kolly

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Saturday, November 05, 2005..12:24 PM

you know those people, the ones that think they've got life all figured out? and sometimes it really seems like they do... but they don't. we're not SUPPOSED to figure life out.
i hate them.

umm... what else?

school's going well. that midterm i had to make up? i got an a on it. babysitting tonight and tomorrow night... seeing chris's friends tonight when i'm done working, and going to lunch with his mom and kelly tomorrow. haven't been pulling much. that diet didn't last, though, but i did learn that caffeine may be a major trigger for me. buh-bye cherry coke.

not a whole lot else going on... bored.

<333 Miss Kolly

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Tuesday, November 01, 2005..3:20 PM

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i love him.

<333 Miss Kolly

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i'm not really sure where to start. the past few days have been nuts.

friday night (saturday morning, really) baby had an allergic reaction to crabs. i called 911 and rode in the front seat of the ambulance... we didn't get back home til 6am. it was so scary... my baby couldn't breathe. and now the poor thing can't have shellfish... he LOVES crabs. of all people, this should not have happened to him. he's going to see an allergist soon.

i'm a little pissed off that he did some snooping the other day when i was babysitting... like, looking through my sent mail and shit. he saw some things i didn't want him to.

AAHHH... but i love him. so so SO unbelievably much.

sunday we went to west virginia for the day... we drove around the community he used to live in, and then went to harpers ferry. it was wonderful, so pretty. we're gonna go back soon.
i love the small towns like that, all little and with so much history. i'd love to live somewhere like that one day.

i started a new diet yesterday. for the pulling. the jk diet (link on left)... no sugar, no egg, no soy, no shellfish, no caffeine. oy. so i went to trader joe's yesterday and i'm gonna get some more stuff today... i'll try it for a while. if i see a difference in the ttm after 2 weeks or so, i'll start reintroducing foods. if not... back to soda and chocolate! i have a feeling caffeine's the biggest problem, so we'll see.

OH and on saturday, we went to look at this townhome that's being rented out. i want it sooo bad, but i need to find 2 more roommates. grr.

not a whole lot else. no more aerobics for me... that's nice. i should start going to the gym, though.

now i'm going to lunch with my bubby........ not that i can eat anything. oy.

<333 Miss Kolly

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Thursday, October 27, 2005..2:44 PM

i have to stop. i'm gonna try cold turkey... just stopping. no more pulling.
we'll see how long this lasts, right?

<333 Miss Kolly

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Tuesday, October 25, 2005..3:03 PM

ohmygoodness. so much. been busy the past week... and done a lot of thinking. christopher and i played house, staying at aunt phyllis and uncle jay's... highlights from the weekend include

  • dinner at ruth's chris with the fam for mommy and daddy's anniversary
  • getting to SLEEP IN with my baby
  • finally seeing wegmans and the "new" hunt valley
  • making crab dip (yummm) with my baby
  • homemade appletinis, boxed sangria, and getting silly (and then shluffy) every night
  • blue collar comedy tour
  • painting
  • a hott date with allie (mondays count as weekends for me. this semester, at least)
  • a supergiggly night, involving burning pubes and lots... and lots... of methane
aahhh. so nice.

i went to the mall today to buy a cd (i ended up getting 2... and i'd bought another 20 minutes before at wal-mart. oops. say hi to the new gary allan, the new (and WOWSOGAY-with the exception of a cover of my conway's "it's only make believe") collin raye... and an old chris ledoux. yummm.
but anyway. i threw a penny into the fountain like i used to when i was a little girl. i didn't make a wish, though... i just thought about the people i care about, and where i want my life to go... and hopefully that's enough.

baby and i were talking... pretty seriously, too... about just going. just packing up and getting out of here. moving somewhere where it doesn't cost a whole lot to live. it'd be hard, but we could make it. i'm just... scared. i like having a cushion. i want to finish school at villa julie, and... i don't know. how can you want two things so bad when they're so completely different? and it sucks, because you're NEVER going to be able to have both of them. there's always gonna be that "i coulda..." or "what would have happened..."

ya know what i realized the other day? every morning when we wake up, and we're alive, and we're ON THIS EARTH... it's because we made the right choices the day before. every MINUTE we're alive, it's because we made the right choices. and they may not be choices that society condones, or accepts... or even choices we like. but someone thinks they're the right choices, and they take us where we need to be. i have to keep reminding myself of that... whenever i get to thinking "what if."

so, yeah. a lot going on. the pulling was doing pretty good all weekend, but i could feel the urge building up, and now it's not so hot. i should probably start taking my paxil again.

left on the agenda for today...
relax until 3:25, when i have to put together an activity for emergent readers, leave to get to school, give them the note proving that i don't have tb (oy), go to class (i hate this class)... come home, where baby'll be painting, and do homework for tomorrow while he does that... then we're goin to BED. i was up early this morning, to take tannar to daycare.

have i mentioned that i love having 4-day weeks? ahhhh... i can't wait for this weekend. i think i'm having people over friday night- no more sex toy party, though.

<333 Miss Kolly

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Thursday, October 20, 2005..6:35 PM

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out West
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide-eyed and grinning she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take the test

nooo frikkin kidding.

things are good and bad. school's getting better... i had my midterm make-up today and it went really well. i talked to the teacher and everything's good. christopher's wonderful. we bought our tickets for san antonio- we're taking kelly and we're gonna go see their dad for a week. i'm really excited. work's ok, too. i got pulled over AGAIN yesterday. 15mph over... i couldn't find my registration, even though i KNOW i have it, so i have a $40 fine, but just a verbal warning for the speeding. i'm 2 for 3 now... heh.

sex toy party at my house a week from tomorrow- friday the 28th. be there or be square. and SO vanilla. tomorrow is mommy and daddy's anniversary... i need to remember to pick up a card tomorrow before class. and do my work. and go to the bank. oy.

i don't know when my pulling got so bad... but yall... it's bad. REALLY frikkin thin on top. little new growth poking out. yuk.

now i'm gonna head and print out stuff for my class in 20 min... hopefully we'll get out before 10 so i can stop home and shower before i go to christopher's. peeeeace nuggets

<333 Miss Kolly